Hi my sweet friends and family. I am sitting here on a Friday listening to Prince. He came to me in my dreams the other night like an angel all dressed in tight white sequins. We were backstage at some Theatrical party my friend Frank was having. It was a great scene. The vibe was x marks the spot kinda thing. Perfection. Dreamy. (Well yeah, duh) I look up, see this beautiful man (Prince!!!) across the small, romantically lit electric room. His outfit was EXTRAORDINARY. He catches my eye, and starts mouthing the lyrics from his song, I Would Die 4 U – to me. I get up and we start dancing. Right there. Me and Prince. At this totally rad, low lit party. Just busting out the moves. Me and Prince. Working it out. Together. Anyways. It was a great dream. That sexy motherfucker!
It’s been awhile since I have written here. Sorry for the absence. I’ve missed you all in this space I created. Things just got too dark. It’s been rough. Yeah, it’s been one hell of a doozy!! Last scan showed progression in my liver so I am off the clinical trial I was on. Bummer.
Instead of going down a black hole right away, I thought I would look ( with the incredible help of my family – #teamHeather is so rockin and my brother Adam is our fearless leader) into finding another clinical trial instead of doing another chemotherapy. Chemo just blows big chunks. On the other hand, it would blow harder chunks if I had no chemo to keep me alive right now and buy me the time i need. (Take that chemo haters!!) Cause to make a long story longer, I never found a trial. 3 weeks went by and I did get accepted into an immunotherapy trial at Sloan. However, we quickly realized it would not be the best thing to do at the moment since it is a new trial with literally no success rate to speak of. It quickly became clear I needed to start chemotherapy immediately. I had been left untreated for 3 weeks, and it was getting scary. So I started last Friday on a chemo called Halaven. They loaded me up that day with a flu shot, a pneumonia shot, and an xgeva shot for my bones. Well, shit damn thank you mam, and GOODNIGHT. I was knocked DOWN and OUT for 3 days without seeing the light of day. It was nuts. I thought I was dying. This was IT. Black hole entered. I swam for days in that ugly thing. But now that my energy is back, I think I just had the flu. Exhale.
Today was chemo day- 2nd treatment of this new chemo Halaven. I showed up with my friend Kathleen. She was going to help me cold cap because i am still set on keeping my hair. It turns out they couldn’t treat me today because my white blood cell count was too low. It came in at .6 and has to be 1 or higher. I was very upset and cried at first. (Crying lately is just like breathing. I do it frequently. Say cry you a river? Got you covered.) Then Kathleen being the great friend she is made me see that this could be a good thing. My body went through hell this week. I am not 100% yet and definitely wasn’t surprised by the low white blood cell count. They gave me a shot to get the number back up. I know the shot well, because i have given it to myself before at home when i was on the clinical trial. This is no big thing. My body needs to continue to get all it’s strength back, and then i will resume March 9.
This is a crazy ride. Just when I think I have nothing left, I find the strength somewhere inside myself to keep going, to not give up. Reiki continues to help me fight. And heal. ((Please note, I had at least 5 tumors on my cervical lymphnodes (neck!) that have completely melted away after last trial. Plus, my bones and lungs are stable and my spirit is evolving.)) Not sure what i would do without Jen and Reiki in my life to get me over these hurdles. To have faith over fear. To believe my body has the power to heal. Even with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, I more than believe this. I know this to be true. It is still my story. I am still writing it.
Today I will share with you my favorite Winston Churchill quote because it really hit home for me this week as I went through my dark knight of the soul. “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.”
Well, Prince would want that for me. Just sayin:-) His spirit would want that for anyone suffering. As I would want that for anyone suffering. To yes, keep going! The light will shine through the darkness!
Cheers to meeting Prince in my dreams again. Winston you can come too.
Something else on my mind are the many cancer friends I meet and then have to say goodbye to so quickly. Just this week alone, 2 young women, much much too young to die passed from Metastatic Breast Cancer. May you both soar with the gods in the next dimension! This is one of the unbearable aspects of living in the cancer world. You meet so many beautiful souls with cancer, and then much too quickly learn they are no longer with us. It’s constant in my world, but I am coming to understand this as part of my “new normal.” Every time i hear of someone’s passing, I know how easily this may be me.
Conversations on dying are not pleasant, but they do not always have to be sad. I would like to delve more into that topic in upcoming posts. Stay tuned to hear about an intimate conversation and painting based on that conversation with my stunningly talented friend, Rick Midler. That will be my next post. It’s incredible.
Love you all.
Oh, and may Prince visit YOU in your dreams tonight! Please report on what he is wearing if you guys happen to meet up at that swag party. And then send him my way for a dance.