I WOULD DIE 4 U

Hi my sweet friends and family. I am sitting here on a Friday listening to Prince. He came to me in my dreams the other night like an angel all dressed in tight white sequins. We were backstage at some Theatrical party my friend Frank was having. It was a great scene. The vibe was x marks the spot kinda thing. Perfection. Dreamy. (Well yeah, duh) I look up, see this beautiful man (Prince!!!) across the small, romantically lit electric room. His outfit was EXTRAORDINARY. He catches my eye, and starts mouthing the lyrics from his song, I Would Die 4 U – to me. I get up and we start dancing. Right there. Me and Prince. At this totally rad, low lit party. Just busting out the moves. Me and Prince. Working it out. Together. Anyways. It was a great dream. That sexy motherfucker!

It’s been awhile since I have written here. Sorry for the absence. I’ve missed you all in this space I created. Things just got too dark. It’s been rough. Yeah, it’s been one hell of a doozy!!  Last scan showed progression in my liver so I am off the clinical trial I was on. Bummer.

Instead of going down a black hole right away,  I thought I would look ( with the incredible help of my family – #teamHeather is so rockin and my brother Adam is our fearless leader) into finding another clinical trial instead of doing another chemotherapy. Chemo just blows big chunks. On the other hand, it would blow harder chunks if I had no chemo to keep me alive right now and buy me the time i need. (Take that chemo haters!!) Cause to make a long story longer, I never found a trial. 3 weeks went by and I did get accepted into an immunotherapy trial at Sloan. However, we quickly realized it would not be the best thing to do at the moment since it is a new trial with literally no success rate to speak of.  It quickly became clear I needed to start chemotherapy immediately. I had been left untreated for 3 weeks, and it was getting scary. So I started last Friday on a chemo called Halaven. They loaded me up that day with a flu shot, a pneumonia shot, and an xgeva shot for my bones. Well, shit damn thank you mam, and GOODNIGHT. I was knocked DOWN and OUT for 3 days without seeing the light of day. It was nuts. I thought I was dying. This was IT. Black hole entered. I swam for days in that ugly thing. But now that my energy is back, I think I just had the flu. Exhale.

Today was chemo day- 2nd treatment of this new chemo Halaven. I showed up with my friend Kathleen. She was going to help me cold cap because i am still set on keeping my hair. It turns out they couldn’t treat me today because my white blood cell count was too low. It came in at .6 and has to be 1 or higher. I was very upset and cried at first. (Crying lately is just like breathing. I do it frequently. Say cry you a river? Got you covered.) Then Kathleen being the great friend she is made me see that this could be a good thing. My body went through hell this week. I am not 100% yet and definitely wasn’t surprised by the low white blood cell count. They gave me a shot to get the number back up. I know the shot well, because i have given it to myself before at home when i was on the clinical trial. This is no big thing. My body needs to continue to get all it’s strength back, and then i will resume March 9.

This is a crazy ride. Just when I think I have nothing left, I find the strength somewhere inside myself to keep going, to not give up. Reiki continues to help me fight. And heal. ((Please note, I had at least 5 tumors on my cervical lymphnodes (neck!) that have completely melted away after last trial. Plus, my bones and lungs are stable and my spirit is evolving.)) Not sure what i would do without Jen and Reiki in my life to get me over these hurdles. To have faith over fear. To believe my body has the power to heal. Even with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, I more than believe this.  I know this to be true. It is still my story. I am still writing it.

Today I will share with you my favorite Winston Churchill quote because it really hit home for me this week as I went through my dark knight of the soul. “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.”

Well, Prince would want that for me. Just sayin:-) His spirit would want that for anyone suffering. As I would want that for anyone suffering. To yes, keep going! The light will shine through the darkness!

Cheers to meeting Prince in my dreams again. Winston you can come too.

Something else on my mind are the many cancer friends I meet and then have to say goodbye to so quickly. Just this week alone, 2 young women, much much too young to die passed from Metastatic Breast Cancer. May you both soar with the gods in the next dimension! This is one of the unbearable aspects of living in the cancer world. You meet so many beautiful souls with cancer, and then much too quickly learn they are no longer with us. It’s constant in my world, but I am coming to understand this as part of my “new normal.” Every time i hear of someone’s passing, I know how easily this may be me.

Conversations on dying are not pleasant, but they do not always have to be sad. I would like to delve more into that topic in upcoming posts. Stay tuned to hear about an intimate conversation and painting based on that conversation with my stunningly talented friend, Rick Midler. That will be my next post. It’s incredible.

Love you all.

Oh, and may Prince visit YOU in your dreams tonight! Please report on what he is wearing if you guys happen to meet up at that swag party. And then send him my way for a dance.

prince

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

W

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “I WOULD DIE 4 U

  1. Love ya. Sending love and light. Xo 😀

    From: “Dear Cancer, I Bet You Think this Blog is About You” Reply-To: “”, I Bet You Think this Blog is About You Date: Friday, February 23, 2018 at 11:11 AM To: Daniel Owen Subject: [New post] I WOULD DIE 4 U

    hsabella posted: “Hi my sweet friends and family. I am sitting here on a Friday listening to Prince. He came to me in my dreams the other night like an angel all dressed in tight white sequins. We were backstage at some Theatrical party my friend Frank was having. It was a”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Reread this I see how it can be taken out of context. I just meant you rock. I am inspired by your determination and persuit for truth. Xo

      Like

  2. Heather, beautiful soul~ I too had a verrrry real dream with Prince, many years ago. I will never forget it. Won’t go into the x-rated details, lol, but it lifted me very high indeed. I listen to Prince each morning on my waterproof iPod (what a great invention!) while doing laps to his great beat. He’s a big soul, apparently still floating amongst us- lucky you! I read your piece with equal amounts of deep love and deep discomfort. I hate that you are enduring this disease, and yet you are such a special woman and you’ve grown so wonderfully, giving of your soul. Thank you. Sending love, spirit and continued strength. xoxo Adriane

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I knew a girl named Heather, I guess you could say she was a dance queen; met her at a shins concert
    She was girating about, her hips moving, it was quite a scene!
    I said how’d you like to dance with me and she could not resist, she yelled shit damn! her moves were sublime.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heather you are a beautiful person and such an AMAZING inspiration! I love the curagious attitude that you exude within this blogpost. I wish this blog could be seen by more than just us…I feel it could be a national inspiration at least. So many people could benefit from your positive outlook on life. Plus you dream and posted a picture of PRINCE!!!! How cool is THAT!?!! Thoughts, love, and healthly vibes headed your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Heather,

    A previous post couldn’t have said it better: You Rock!

    While many of us can only sympathize, and not empathize with you, your willingness to invite us into your thoughts, dreams, fears, and triumphs demonstrates just how much strength you have.

    You are inspiring to #teamHeather and to all of your supporters, and we are rooting for you immensely.

    Love,
    Greg

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can visualize that moment with Prince… The way you would be smiling and dancing along with him without a care in the world, just getting lost in the moment. Keep on dancing, girl. Love you!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a dream what a vision and what love you are. I love you and teamheather! I have so much gratitude for your openness and honestly on this journey. Thank you deeply for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I met you this summer at Kim’s house for Jordynn’s bday party. Coincidentally you had spoken to my friend Leslie Cannon from Reach to Recovery. She asks about you often. We talked about your breast cancer journey and I want you to know that we were hoping even through your new treatments it would be possible for you to visit Mary’s Place by the Sea. We think you would find it to be such a pleasant and up lifing place right by the ocean. The hotel is very warm and the people are so delightful and upbeat. There are many fun classes with other woman such as Reiki, special massages. book clubs, guided meditation, nutritional counseling, and yoga! This place was founded by two women who must be angels. The serene ambiance by the ocean is so delightful and you could stay over and just relax and meet some wonderful and courageous woman to share your thoughts with theirs which may prove to be a comfort to you as you go though the next chemo. I found you to be the most sincere loving person with the courage to talk about your trials and fears in a very honest and reality based way. Your courage was such an inspiration to me as I always live in fear of disease recurrence as that happened to my mom. I think in some mystical way that my volunteering will give me strength over the disease coming back which in reality is not so. But I feel if I give up helping others then the cancer wins out. I guess whatever helps you get through the day. I took such delight in watching you, your husband and your two beautiful daughters karaoking your hearts out. I know you will fight as hard as you can to stay with them. Wishing you love, peace, and the strength to do well on this new regimen. I have been hearing some favorable stories about the Havalen. If we can help in any way both Leslie and myself in a heartbeat we will be there for you. If you are withstanding the side effects of the drug maybe you would consider coming down to Mary’s PLace in OCEAN GROVE where you will be among wonderful people in a very relaxed atmosphere by the beach . As Winston would say keep walking through hell, and some better days too. It paid off for my dad who survived the Omaha invasion at Normandy in WW 2. Fight hard and I am looking forward to hearing you sing again with your girls and sweet husband. My little ones insisted on a machine for chanukah! Thinking of you all the time.and wishing you well. You have a very large cheering stand in your corner. It is amazing what positive people can do for a loved one. Will be watching for your next post. Much love. Barbara and family

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Heather ~ i read your posts. I love you. You are such a brilliant diamond and I think of you with the greatest joy. You are an inspiration. And a great writer. Xoxox

    Like

  10. Ciao bella!!!
    Thinking about you – MOLTO! Love reading your posts, and love remembering our fun times… LONG AGO! 😉 Sending you much, much love! Tanti Baci,
    Evelyn

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s